Like I said before, a little white lie never hurt anyone, it’s the big lies that end up being the problem. And once you start one lie, you have to start coming up with others to cover the original lie, and it just gets worse and worse.
One day after I had a long and tiring day I wasn’t talking much and I was literally just tired. But Kade thought I was mad at him and wouldn’t accept that I was just tired. He accused me of reading through his journal that he keeps and he said that must be the reason I was mad. Obviously I hadn’t, but the more I thought about it the more I knew there was something that he was hiding in there that he didn’t want me to read because he knew how mad I would get. So what was it? Did he cheat on me? I was so curious what he was keeping from me that would make me so mad.
So one day after spending the night at his place, he went to class and I stayed at his place to keep sleeping. When I woke up it was there. His journal. It was laying in plain site right on top of his desk next to his bed. It was like it was calling me. Telling me to read it. So I did. Some parts he had already read me, about our first date, or formal, etc, but then I started to find things that he had lied about to me.
His ex had always been a huge problem in our relationship. We’ll call that bitch Sarah. They snap chatted a lot and I was suspicious of Kade since he always hid it from me and I never hid anything from him. She was what he didn’t want me to read about in the journal I found out. He hung out with her over Spring Break and didn’t tell me about it, and then after she texted him saying “I will always be attracted to you”. I was pissed, if nothing was going on why did he insist on hiding so much from me? Then I got to his most recent journal entry, it was long ago, back in early August. But still, in August we had been together for 6 months! And what he wrote made me shake, I was screaming, I felt my blood boiling inside of me. In August Kade told Sarah that he had plans to date her in the future and that she has all the qualities he would look for in a long term girlfriend or spouse. What the actual fuck. You do not tell someone you plan to date them when you are in a relationship with someone else. I didn’t know what to do. At this point I knew it was over. I hated Kade. Hated. I debated about whether I should tell him I read his journal or not because I knew how mad he would be, but I had to tell him. So after talking to my friends about it I knew I had to end it. So I went over to the guys place and started moving all of my stuff out of Kade’s bathroom and room. Kade was taking a nap in his room and he had no idea what was going on at all. He was clueless. I walked into his room grabbed my stuff and walked out. He said “Hey!” and I ignored him then he asked in a concerned voice “Are you okay?” Normally I would just say yes, but it wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay. So I said no and walked out of his room shut his door and proceeded to leave. I wasn’t ready to talk to him about it yet, I needed to process it. But he jumped out of bed and started running after me yelling my name and asking me what was wrong. I continued to leave I had tears in my eyes and I told him I just wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. But he convinced me to come back to his room to talk to him. So I did.
In his room I was shaking I had never been so livid in my life. I confessed I read it and he was pissed he told me he was going to block me on everything and that he would never talk to me ever again. LOL. I was like are you for fucking real? You’re mad at me? Because you lied to me? Fucking crazy. We were yelling and I left we were both beyond pissed at each other and it lasted that entire day and the next day too. He told me he couldn’t trust me…I was like are you an idiot I’m the one who can’t trust you, you literally told another girl you want to date her when you’ve been dating me for 6 months. At this point I knew our relationship was over for good. I hated him. And there was no way we could move past this. He didn’t even apologize or try to reassure me or make it better. Because he’s seriously so stupid. He doesn’t know how relationships work, he never took responsibility for anything and never apologized for anything. I always ended up apologizing when I was sad or upset at him for something he did. It was crazy and not fair and not healthy.
So the next day we still hadn’t talked much. That night Kade went to his car and sat in there and cried and was so mad at me. He wouldn’t tell me where he was so I couldn’t meet him and talk with him. Eventually after a 45 minute phone call he told me he was on top of the parking garage and he picked me up and let me sit in the car with him. We both cried and he asked if I wanted to stay with him. He said if I was willing to make things simple again like the start of our relationship then he wanted to keep dating, but if I didn’t want to be with him anymore he would understand. At this point I was bawling. I didn’t know what to do. This decision was all mine. I hated him so much and knew it had to end because it wasn’t going to work anymore but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be with him and I had so much hate for him and I had done everything for him to try and make him happy and he betrayed me. But he kept convincing me and manipulating me so I told him okay we could try to make things simple. He was happy and I was angry, I was pissed, but I acted okay. So walking back to our places I told him I was going to a frat party, specifically the one he hates, the one that Adam is in. I asked if that was okay with him and he said it was okay and that I should go have fun. That was part of our plan to make it simple. He then looked at me and said “And if tonight you change your mind and decide you don’t want to be with me anymore then fine go fuck Adam.” Oh that set me off inside. But I said “Stop.” I wanted to go to the party and have fun and I wanted to leave Kade behind forever (if only I knew it wouldn’t be that easy).
So, I got ready for the party….and I went. Continued on (My BIG Lie)