The Blow Up & The Fix

So after being broken up with Kade for a little, I started talking to this guy, we’ll call him Adam. There was a football game the next day and Adam had been texting and snap chatting me all day and we had planned that we would see each other the next day at a tailgate before the game. Lucky for me….all my friends, Kade, Adam, and I were all going to be at the same one.

We got to the tailgate and it was fun and chill, I had seen Adam but we hadn’t talked yet. Eventually I got up the courage to go and say something to him. Claire was also low key talking to Adam’s friend, we’ll call him Gabe. Adam and Gabe were together so it was the perfect opportunity, we walked up to them and Adam was hella chill and hugged me and we started talking. It was casual and cool, but then Kade saw me talking to him and blew up. We had established that we were not going to be fucking around with people out of pure respect for each other and just to be held to a higher standard.

So Kade popped off on me. He was so upset and yelling at me to go and “fuck Adam or whatever you want”. It was really important to Kade that I respect myself and don’t do things like that. He told me I would rip his heart apart if I ever did something like that to him and he would never want to talk to me ever again or see my tweets or anything. Part of me understood, I got it and I did not want to lose his friendship at all in any way. But the other part of me was angry because he had broken up with me he couldn’t tell me what to do or control me. I calmed him down at the tailgate and told him nothing was going on all I was doing was talking with Adam and that I wasn’t going around fucking people.

It was getting close to the game and Kade and I wanted to get good seats in the student section on the bottom level. However, all of our friends were either too drunk or didn’t want to leave yet. So Kade and I decided to leave the tailgate and get good seats at the game and save some for everyone else. So Kade and I marched our way from the tailgate to the game by ourselves and sat alone with jackets out on the seats for everyone else.

Meanwhile, Adam is texting and snap chatting me saying that he wants to hang out at the game and meet up. I had no idea what to do, if Kade and I were broken up then I should go hang out with Adam, but at the same time, what if Kade and I decided to get back together, then what? I was conflicted. Claire, Gabe, and Adam were all coming to the game to grab me from my seat and make them sit with them on the top level. I was so nervous and had no idea what to expect or what I wanted to do.

Eventually all of our friends came to the game but I was still standing next to Kade. All of a sudden Claire and Adam show up and come right in front of Kade and I. I honestly have never felt more uncomfortable in my entire life. Here I was at a football game in between Kade and Adam who both hate each other at this point and are trying to take me to their side. Claire and Adam stood there for about 10 minutes trying to convince me to come up to the top level with them and all of their frat, and Claire wanted me to come so badly. But on the other hand I knew how mad, hurt, and upset Kade would be if I went with Adam. So I told Adam to wait just a few minutes and to let me talk to Kade so I could go with them but not lose my friendship with him. So I talked with Kade and explained that Claire wanted me to come with her so that she could hang out with Gabe, I explained I wasn’t going up their for Adam just to help Claire out. Kade told me that he trusted me and that he knew if I did anything with Adam he would find out.

So I went with Adam and Claire to the top level at the game. We were so far away and could not see anything but they were partying so hard and drinking and having a good time. Adam started to be super flirty with me and was holding my hand and giving me drinks, and then the next thing I know…after a few drinks…he was making out with me. Honestly I was having a lot of fun on the top level with Adam and Claire. Everyone was so care free and just laughing and having a good time. And it was different. Instead of Kade getting mad at me for drinking and having fun, Adam was offering me drinks and wanted me to have fun. It was something I wasn’t used to but it was fun.

A little while later, Claire and I realized our friend Annie was missing. Someone said she had decided to walk home. I couldn’t believe it, she was blacked and walking home alone at night?! So I called her and she answered telling me she was alone and didn’t feel good and was walking home, I asked where she was and she sounded so drowsy saying she didn’t know, so I asked her what she saw around her but she said it was dark out and that she couldn’t see anything. I knew this was wrong so I told Adam I had to go and find my friend but that I would come back.

I ran back down to the bottom level to Kade and Tony and told them we have a huge problem and explained the situation. They both agreed that they would leave the game and come look for her with me. So Tony and some other guy went one way outside the stadium to go look for Annie and Kade and I went the other way. We walked for a little, but Annie didn’t share her location with us and she wasn’t answering her phone anymore and Kade and I both agreed there wasn’t much more we could do at this point. There was no way we were going to find her.

Kade and I decided the only thing we could do was go back and watch the game. We were standing outside in the parking lot and we were staring at each other. He kept saying “I feel like you want to say something to me, say it, what is it?” and things like that. I didn’t have anything to say all I wanted to do was kiss him. But I was scared and I didn’t know how he would react so I kept staring at him in silence. After a minute or so I decided to take the risk. I pulled on his shirt and pulled him to me and kissed him. I looked at him and he looked happy with it and just said “woah”. Then he told me that he had a secret to tell me. So I asked him what it was and he said “come here” and kissed me back. I smiled but now I was more confused than ever, what the hell was happening. We decided to go back and watch the football game together and just enjoy ourselves.

So we went back into the stadium and watched the game together…and alone. Claire and another friend and Adam kept texting me asking me if I wanted to go with them to the guys and hang out. I knew I couldn’t leave Kade alone and I had no clue what was going on anymore. So, I said no I was going to stay and watch the rest of the game. But that answer was not good enough, they were begging me to come with them. They even showed up to where Kade and I were and were trying to convince me in person which only made Kade even madder. Claire was trying so hard to convince me, and asking why I was hanging out with my ex who called me a piece of shit and an asshole. I didn’t have an answer though. I told them to go and I was going to stay.

Kade was a little better now that I had made that decision to stay but so much was still going on in my head. That whole situation, the fact I had no idea where Annie was, and I had numerous people calling and texting me asking where I was to meet up. It was all so much. My little called me and had left her jacket and so I told her I would bring it to her. I told Kade I would be right back I was just going to bring my little her jacket. I walked up the stairs to the middle level and tracked her down and gave it to her. I also ran into Claire and Adam. They asked what I was doing and continued to try and convince me to change my mind. Claire left me alone with Adam and told him to talk to me.

He talked to me and told me all the reasons I shouldn’t go back down there to Kade and why I shouldn’t be friends with him or get back together or anything. He told me he was manipulative and not worth my time and more. I was frustrated because I knew that Adam was 100% right but Kade was so manipulative and it made it so hard to leave him even though I wanted to and knew that I should. This conversation was lasting longer than I had expected and I knew Kade would be wondering where I had gone since I was just supposed to give my Little her jacket back. So I told Adam that I was going back down with Kade and that I was not going with him to the Frat. Adam then pulled me in and hugged me and kissed me but I pulled away and said I had to go. I ran back down to Kade and told him I ran into Claire, Adam, and numerous other friends and that they were all going to the Frat and wanted me to go with them but I didn’t know what to do. Kade looked sad but he told me I should go if all of my friends were going to the frat and that he would just chill at home, I hadn’t told him anything about Adam, I wanted to stay with Kade since he was all alone at the game.

This conversation took a lot longer than 5 minutes. Kade and Adam hated each other so much and just wanted to fight over me and the whole situation, the entire time I was terrified that something was going to happen. So after 5 minutes one of my friends and Adam came down to the bleachers to me and Kade. My friend turned me around and tried to talk to me and Kade saw what was going on ran past me, patted Adam on the shoulder said “she’s all yours” and Adam responded with a simple “thank you”. Everything was happening so fast and my head was so clouded with so many different thoughts. My instinct was to run after Kade so I did. I ran up the stairs after him and ended up finding him and saying “what are you doing?!” He said he wanted to leave and I said I would come with him. We were in a hurry, a panic, and everything was a blur.

We got outside of the stadium and I asked if he was okay. He told me no. I asked what was wrong but he said, not in public. So we got back to our place and I came up to his room with him. On the walk back I could tell how upset he was and that he was starting to cry but holding it all in until we were back. The moment that we got into his room he collapsed on the floor and started hysterically crying uncontrollably. I had seen him cry a lot and multiple times, but never like this. This was like nothing I had ever seen. His tears were puddling up on the floor, his breathing was heavy and uneven, and he could barely talk to me. I sat on the floor with him, rubbing his back and trying my best to calm him down. He finally caught his breath and looked at me and said “if this doesn’t show you how much I care about you…nothing will”. He started to tell me that he loved me so much but there was just one thing standing in the way of our relationship, and that was my past. (The Start of “First Semester Me”). We climbed into his bed and began to talk, he was still crying so much but it was lessening. I began to talk to him about first semester and how people exaggerated things and how that wasn’t who I am anymore, etc. Our talk was good…but then out of no where he started gripping his chest and telling me that his chest and heart hurt. I didn’t know what to do, it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever been apart of. He was rolling around in bed holding on to his chest with uneven breathing and a look of pure fright in his eyes. I kept asking if he needed me to take him to the hospital or get him water or medicine or anything, but he said no and that it would go away. After a while he calmed down and I got him to relax and breathe with me.

We continued our talk and it got a lot better. Our talk was headed in a good direction and we were all good. Then we started to look at each other again and he said “I know you want to kiss me again….so what are you waiting for?” I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea or not but it happened, we began to kiss. A lot. We made out for about 2 hours. We kept talking about having sex but I kept saying no it was a bad idea and we shouldn’t. I didn’t want to have sex with him since we were broken up and I didn’t want him to manipulate me into it. So we continued to kiss and talk. I kept falling asleep in his bed so we decided to call it a night and go to bed, but he said I could spend the night…it was 2:30 in the morning at this point. I took off my clothes that I had worn to the game and got into bed with him. As soon as we got into bed we started to kiss again…and we ended up having sex.

The next morning I woke up and I was so mad at myself. Why had we done that? It was such a bad idea and I knew and he knew it. But it was too late it happened. I was so angry, I refused to talk to him. He knew that I didn’t want to have sex with him since we weren’t together but he had talked me into it and I felt sick to my stomach.He had to go to work but he said he would be off at 4 and we could talk then. So that’s what we agreed on. Not long after he got to work he texted me a screenshot that Adam had requested to add him as a friend on Facebook. And not long after that, I saw a tweet that Adam had tweeted about us; “If anyone ever tries to ‘control’ you it’s not a healthy relationship”. Kade was pissed to say the least. I personally thought it was hilarious, but at the same time I was upset because Adam barely knew me but everything he had said the night before was correct, and his tweet was accurate also.

About an hour into his work Kade called me and told me he threw up twice at work and had to go home because his manager said he looked so bad. I didn’t want him throwing up and feeling sick so I told him we could talk to make him feel better. He picked me up in his car and we drove to the top of a mountain and talked there for about 2 hours. We both agreed we wanted to get back together but in order for that to happen we needed to make some serious changes. So we each decided to make 3 lists. One list about things we wanted to change in ourselves to better ourselves, another list of things we wanted to change in our relationship and HOW to change them, and a list of things that we liked about the other person. After this talk we both felt a million times better, got some food together (our first meal since the break up), and went to the animal shelter to play with kittens to destress, and then went back home. Over that weekend we made our lists and we shared them with each other.

The lists were helpful at first, but I think we were just trying to be on our best behavior for each other. It didn’t last long.

 

 

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